Playing Pig to Make a Buck

Macho Men Don't Steal

     Normally, I wouldn't do a write-up on anything cop-related because boys in blue bore me for the most part and are really only good for rounding out the Village people lineup. I would usually pawn something like this off on Shannie, but I guess it's my turn to poke the pork and start being a "team player"...for once. You know that feeling when you have to take a dump, that horrible cramping pressure you get in you lower gut? That's how this story feels, but the "have to shit" feeling is in my fingers and I think they're constipated. I'm going to bear down and push this crap out anyway with vein-popping force, maybe burst a couple blood vessels in the process.
     So in this tale from the west coast, San Jose specifically, we have a Ponch impersonating dingleberry using his mad acting skills and Party America's incredibly convincing child-sized cop costume to dupe victims into letting him pat them down and go through their wallets. The suspect is described as being Asian or Filipino and about the size of a Good Guy doll...Okay, not really. He's reported as being between 5'5 and 5'7 and 170 to 180 pounds, but he's really not that much taller than Chucky, though he does outweigh The Lakeshore Strangler's Cabbage Patch Bod by a good amount of kilos.
     First reported back on March 23, faux-cop's crime spree began when he approached a fruit vendor, informing said Vitamin C dealer he was the long arm of the law, flashing his nifty plastic badge to quash any doubts, and proceeded to search the man. He went through the vendor's wallet then walked a few steps away to speak into something that resembled a police walkie and, after giving the victim his wallet back, left in a green minivan. The victim didn't realize until later his wallet was missing cash, but I think he should have been tipped off that this "cop" wasn't legit when the turkey bacon imitation took off in a green rape-mobile.
     Two more similar incidents round out this "rash" of cash swiping, with another fruit vendor hoodwinked, as well as a pedestrian, in East San Jose. Although the crimes took place in different areas, police believe they're all connected and perpetrated by the same man. Anyone with information about the case should contact Detective Ryan Chan or Detective Roger Semore at (408) 277-4166.
     What I'm wondering, is if they're sure this guy was Asian and do we know if Danny DeVito's whereabouts are accounted for...