Florida's Own Cannibal Holocaust, Sans The Holocaust

    It’s probably not surprising that the horrifying news of a flesh-hungry nude dude, who was tripping balls and ate off about three quarters of an equally butt naked homeless man’s face, came out of that shithole to the south we call Florida. Being hailed as the start of the Zombie Apocalypse, this panic-inducing headliner is making the rounds across the internet and putting this zombie-phobic Kat on high alert. I have a love/fear relationship with the living dead and I can’t go to a mall without feeling Dawn of the Dead dread, so this story fascinates and terrifies me. If this really were the outbreak of an infection of the ghoul kind, it makes total sense that it would start in Florida. Isn’t that where the old folks go to die? And most of the people down there are walking corpses anyway, but back to the story…

Rudy Eugene

    This totally terrifying attack of drugged out cannibalistic hobo-munching happened near Miami’s MacArthur Causeway on Saturday, making for quite the bloody show for passing traffic and bystanders. Some tried to get the bum-biting flesh eater, identified now as 31-year-old Rudy Eugene, to stop chowing down on his nude pal’s face, but those attempts failed. Larry Vega, who witnessed the attack, said, “I told him to get off and the guy just kept eating the other guy.” He described the scene as something out of a horror movie, saying there was “blood all over the place.” When police arrived, they approached the cannibalistic Eugene and ordered him to stop eating the other man’s face, but he continued to feast on the man’s mug.

    According to the same witness quoted above, Rudy Eugene lifted his head up, with pieces of the victim hanging from his mouth, and growled at officers. An officer fired a couple shots, but obviously this cop was not knowledgeable in the ways of putting down the living dead and didn’t aim for the head because Eugene kept right on masticating some tough transient meat. More shots were fired and Eugene was eventually killed, but had Florida’s boys in blue watched at least one fucking zombie movie they could have put an end to the carnage several bullets sooner and conserved some ammo for the gnawed on homeless guy, who actually survived this ordeal and is currently in critical condition and missing most of his face. It’s being reported that this bizarre human-craving nakedness was caused by an overdose of that crap they call “bath salts”. I’m guessing these aren’t the same bath salts wrinkly old ladies soak themselves in, but who knows, since people make meth out of Sudafed and made it so I have to be carded whenever allergy season hits.

   

    I don’t know about anyone else, but that kind of freaks me the fuck out. It also sounds eerily similar to some craptastic movie I saw on Scy Fy or whatever the fuck the Sci Fi channel changed its lettering to. I think it was a Return of the Living Dead miscarriage called Rave to the Grave, or something equally lame, and this ecstasy-type pill people were popping ended up making people into some of the cheesiest zombies I have ever seen. I think it even had a similar brains-craving gore baggy skeletal zombie that cracked me the fuck up in the first RotLD movie. But anywho, maybe this isn’t a story we should take lightly ‘cause if the movies have taught us anything, this outbreak shit spreads fast and you could be battling your virused diabetic grandmother by Wednesday. Stay sharp, Shit Talkers, and remember the words of the great Tom Savini...."Just shoot them in the head!" And a double tap or five probably wouldn't hurt either.