Teeny Bopped Remakes

I was supposed to go off on a tangent about this days ago, but got sidetracked and lazy. Then I saw Shannie used the tummy mutant from Total Recall in the pedophile tumor story, remembered it's being remade and my hatred for remakes blazed anew. There are a few remakes that have turned out well, but for every Dawn of the Dead, there's a Day of the Dead and as I watch a the recycled and updated plot of a film I enjoyed as a kid, I feel like I'm witnessing a rape. I'd always felt a sort of queasy dislike for remakes, but the one that left me internally screaming "RAPE!" was A Nightmare on Elm Street. That movie made me sick to my stomach and not in the good gruesome on-screen kill way.
Not only are these half-assed attempts to remake classics horribly unoriginal, they're also all geared toward the Teeny Bop Generation of Beiberphiles, Twi-Tards and CW-aholics. I don't want to see GCI singed faced Freddy with Christian Bale's frog throat Batman voice going toe to toe with Edward Cullen's adoptive and equally sparkly vamp bro. I don't want to see anyone but Robert Fucking Englund donning the green and red stripes and brown fedora. I don't want to see Krueger's glove on the hand of Rorschach from Watchmen.It's unnatural and wrong. 

Classic Freddy

Down Syndromed Freddy

 Seeing movies I grew up with reworked into unwatchable abominations with Disney rejected casts leaves me with a hole in my heart that can only be filled with a weekend marathon of rewatching of every Friday the 13th, from Mrs.Vorhees going parentally postal and a Potato Sacked Jason to Jason Goes to Hell's leech-looking heart deep throating some folks to be reborn. Jason X is sequel sacrilege and the 13th equivalent of Leprechaun in Space so it's out and Freddy vs Jason is passable, but I stick to the first 9 for a healthy dose of nostalgia to heal my heartbreak.
That's what seeing what's been done to the movies I loved as a kid feels like. Heartbreak. These were the movies of my childhood. It's like having a beloved toy passed down to the new baby, who gnaws on and drools all over it, doesn't appreciate it the way you did and leaves it destroyed and discarded, no longer the dear to your heart trinket it was before they got their grubby little hand on it. It's infuriating.
I'm not saying every remake ever sucks balls, there are a few I actually have grown to love, but what the hell? Is Hollywood seriously that tapped for new ideas and original stories that it has to plunder the past and ass rape the better things it got right the first time? What's next if they can't leave shit alone? Is there going to be a Sophie's Choice remake starring Miley Cyrus and Jay Burachel coming to a theater near you this fall? A remade Trainspotting with Zac Efron in Ewan McGregor's rightful place headed straight to DVD? I pray to Pinhead not.

There's already a plethora of movie puke being made as we speak. Psycho's being redone, again, Diablo Cody's got her mitts on Evil Dead. The last thing that chick made tanked and is the stuck-in-her-teens writer really someone we want handling Deadites? I hope Ash introduces her script to his boomstick. I don't think I can bear to see what she would do with it. Leave what few things you got right the first time alone, Hollywood and just keep turning out those shitty dance movies for the kiddies. Keep your hands off my childhood, you damn dirty apes.

Hollywood, you've been warned.