|A word of caution, keep your penis far from one of these things and don't ask to have your dick straightened.|
Because I can, I’m designating today, May 7th, Manmeat Monday and bringing you another tale of asshatery and penis mishaps. Today’s Cock and Ball story comes from Sweden, where a drunken buffoon dared his ex to clamp his dilly into her straightening iron. The original article had no names, so I will refer to them as Mr. NumbNuts and Ms. CockScorcher. The incident took place last January, when the 31-year-old NumbNuts, drunk off his ass at his ex’s apartment with her and another woman, asked his ex to “straighten” his penis. The idea popped into his head because at the time, Ms. CockScorcher was ironing her hair.
According to the CockScorcher’s statement, NumbNuts said, “Do it, do it, do it,” and while at first she resisted, his actions forced her to oblige. Apparently the wasted NumbNuts was manhandling his junk and waving it around like a Finnish Helicopter. Fed-up with his antics, CockScorcher clamped the heated flat iron down on NumbNuts schlong and squeezed the shit out of it. NumbNuts’ reaction? He laughed it off and asked for ice. In court testimony, though, NumbNuts said that having his penis pressed like a Panini left him in pain for almost three weeks.
So, going back to the day dude’s dick was toasted, NumbNuts and CockScorcher got into an argument a few hours after the iron singe and it escalated into a physical confrontation. CockScorcher slapped NumbNuts and he countered with a headbutt. He noggin-punched the chick so hard she fell to the floor and then, like a massive pussbag, he repeatedly hit her in the face. NumbNuts claimed the reaction was instinctual, a reaction developed due to a hard knock life. Charges were filed against both NumbNuts and CockScorcher, but because NumbNuts damn near begged to get his dick McGriddled, CockScorcher was acquitted. NumbNuts was found guilty of assault for his shitbag actions that occurred later in the evening.
He should have asked her to roll his sausage in her curling iron and put a little upward curve in his Lil Smokey. Or just kept it in his pants and avoided this situation entirely. Thank you, Sweden, this story has by far been your best export, fuck Ace of Base, ABBA and your shoddy build-it-yourself furniture.