Not only are these half-assed attempts to remake classics horribly unoriginal, they're also all geared toward the Teeny Bop Generation of Beiberphiles, Twi-Tards and CW-aholics. I don't want to see GCI singed faced Freddy with Christian Bale's frog throat Batman voice going toe to toe with Edward Cullen's adoptive and equally sparkly vamp bro. I don't want to see anyone but Robert Fucking Englund donning the green and red stripes and brown fedora. I don't want to see Krueger's glove on the hand of Rorschach from Watchmen.It's unnatural and wrong.
|Down Syndromed Freddy|
That's what seeing what's been done to the movies I loved as a kid feels like. Heartbreak. These were the movies of my childhood. It's like having a beloved toy passed down to the new baby, who gnaws on and drools all over it, doesn't appreciate it the way you did and leaves it destroyed and discarded, no longer the dear to your heart trinket it was before they got their grubby little hand on it. It's infuriating.
I'm not saying every remake ever sucks balls, there are a few I actually have grown to love, but what the hell? Is Hollywood seriously that tapped for new ideas and original stories that it has to plunder the past and ass rape the better things it got right the first time? What's next if they can't leave shit alone? Is there going to be a Sophie's Choice remake starring Miley Cyrus and Jay Burachel coming to a theater near you this fall? A remade Trainspotting with Zac Efron in Ewan McGregor's rightful place headed straight to DVD? I pray to Pinhead not.
|Hollywood, you've been warned.|