Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Teeny Bopped Remakes

I was supposed to go off on a tangent about this days ago, but got sidetracked and lazy. Then I saw Shannie used the tummy mutant from Total Recall in the pedophile tumor story, remembered it's being remade and my hatred for remakes blazed anew. There are a few remakes that have turned out well, but for every Dawn of the Dead, there's a Day of the Dead and as I watch a the recycled and updated plot of a film I enjoyed as a kid, I feel like I'm witnessing a rape. I'd always felt a sort of queasy dislike for remakes, but the one that left me internally screaming "RAPE!" was A Nightmare on Elm Street. That movie made me sick to my stomach and not in the good gruesome on-screen kill way.
Not only are these half-assed attempts to remake classics horribly unoriginal, they're also all geared toward the Teeny Bop Generation of Beiberphiles, Twi-Tards and CW-aholics. I don't want to see GCI singed faced Freddy with Christian Bale's frog throat Batman voice going toe to toe with Edward Cullen's adoptive and equally sparkly vamp bro. I don't want to see anyone but Robert Fucking Englund donning the green and red stripes and brown fedora. I don't want to see Krueger's glove on the hand of Rorschach from Watchmen.It's unnatural and wrong. 
Classic Freddy
Down Syndromed Freddy
 Seeing movies I grew up with reworked into unwatchable abominations with Disney rejected casts leaves me with a hole in my heart that can only be filled with a weekend marathon of rewatching of every Friday the 13th, from Mrs.Vorhees going parentally postal and a Potato Sacked Jason to Jason Goes to Hell's leech-looking heart deep throating some folks to be reborn. Jason X is sequel sacrilege and the 13th equivalent of Leprechaun in Space so it's out and Freddy vs Jason is passable, but I stick to the first 9 for a healthy dose of nostalgia to heal my heartbreak.
That's what seeing what's been done to the movies I loved as a kid feels like. Heartbreak. These were the movies of my childhood. It's like having a beloved toy passed down to the new baby, who gnaws on and drools all over it, doesn't appreciate it the way you did and leaves it destroyed and discarded, no longer the dear to your heart trinket it was before they got their grubby little hand on it. It's infuriating.
I'm not saying every remake ever sucks balls, there are a few I actually have grown to love, but what the hell? Is Hollywood seriously that tapped for new ideas and original stories that it has to plunder the past and ass rape the better things it got right the first time? What's next if they can't leave shit alone? Is there going to be a Sophie's Choice remake starring Miley Cyrus and Jay Burachel coming to a theater near you this fall? A remade Trainspotting with Zac Efron in Ewan McGregor's rightful place headed straight to DVD? I pray to Pinhead not.
There's already a plethora of movie puke being made as we speak. Psycho's being redone, again, Diablo Cody's got her mitts on Evil Dead. The last thing that chick made tanked and is the stuck-in-her-teens writer really someone we want handling Deadites? I hope Ash introduces her script to his boomstick. I don't think I can bear to see what she would do with it. Leave what few things you got right the first time alone, Hollywood and just keep turning out those shitty dance movies for the kiddies. Keep your hands off my childhood, you damn dirty apes.
Hollywood, you've been warned.

6 comments:

  1. Awesome fucking rant, Boo. I can't stand what those bastards did to Nightmare on Elm St. and I swear to gawd if Evil Dead is shit on in the same way, I will be forced to proclaim myself a hater of horror and replace Jaws with You Got Served....okay that's a little rash, but you get my point. I swear my heart breaks a little bit every time one of these films gets ganged banged by Hollywood fuckheads...

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    1. I rented some horrible shit from the Blue Box and saw in previews they made Honey 2, lol. Like they didn't fill their crap quota with the first one. Shitty Sequels deserve a rant of their own. Please don't overdose on Step Up, Shannie. I can't lose you. Not like this. We can watch all the Jaws movies, even 3Dn where the shark's nose breaks. We'll save it for last, watch Revenge before it. It'll suck, but laughter is the antidote to Hollywood Spew...

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    2. If there's a Critters remake...I don't know if you'll be able to make me ever come back. :(

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  2. Awesome blog Shannie & Boo! can we extend the hatred towards classic 80's TV shows being remade into a movie? Let's talk 21 Jump Street movie coming out next week... The previews make me want to eat glass:( I can't believe Johnny Depp {a/k/a GOD i.m.h.o.} is going to soil himself by being shown on camera in that stank a$$ sh!tfest. I pray it tanks at the box office and Hollywood learns a lesson to leave the 80's ALONE. Thank you for your time.

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    1. It applies to that shit too. I think the world could have done without shows coming back to TV as well. And who wants to see Knight Rider without the Hoff? I will fucking lose my shit if I see a Magnum PI movie or show without Selleck...LOSE MY SHIT...

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  3. The Omen remake was sad. I like the gritty feel of the movies from the 70's and 80's. Thanks for voicing your opinion on this, I'm certain many agree with you.And thanks for the laughs.

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